As mentioned in my previous post, Evelyn is learning to walk with a physical therapist. Its been fun, its been interesting, but more than anything, it has been terrifying.
This kid is going to be walking around the house soon. She can't even feed herself properly with a fork yet, but she's going to be racing around faster than a speeding bullet. Of course we, the parents, will be forced to chase after her.
She's weekly making progress and showing big improvements. Which is, of course, always good news. The one thing the therapist hasn't covered, however, is how we're supposed to deal with this new prospect of chasing down this child once she's become more mobile. I have a few ideas, inspired by both theoretical science and Saturday morning cartoons.
Mostly the cartoons.
The first idea I had was cruel, I freely admit it. Let's just not teach her to walk. Let's teach her to be the first human blob. As I said, though, its a cruel thought and I quickly dismissed it.
Then came the fun thoughts.
I could just get some springloaded shoes! Dismissing this as it would look incredibly stupid walking into a store wearing them, I thought about putting small rockets on the sides of some old sneakers and trying that out. I realized I'd probably blow my feet off and then I'd become a human blob. Again, idea dismissed.
For a brief second I entertained the possibility of a giant sling-shot, but vaguely remember a certain coyote trying this and flying right past his target and crushing into a wall. Unlike Mr. Coyote, I do not become a walking accordion when I crash into things - I bleed.
I thought about attaching a bungee rope to her, perhaps even snagging her as she paced by. A leash, if you will, around her waste, and when she gets too far, this rope would simply be tugged firmly and bring the child back within my reach. No, I said to myself, doesn't work on the dog so I doubt it'd work on her.
Then came the scientific thoughts.
What if, I began to think, I could take the legs off a cheetah and implant them on my hind quarters? Again, how would I explain this to the guys at the comic shop? "Hey, Jeff, nice cheetah legs!"
"I know. They were half off at JCPenny. Found'em in the "Doctor Moreau" section."
Right, like I'd even know where that section is at JCPenny. I don't even shop there. Ridiculous thoughts, I tell you.
After that, there were some delusions about mixing up some chemicals and hope they gave me some sort of super power... but after I smelled the bleach mixed with all the other house hold chemicals I could find I thought it would taste awful so decided against that, as well.
Where do you even buy radioactive products that give you super speed these days? Or is it merely lightning flashing through a variety of chemicals? Either way, I'd probably end up with the ability to just grow longer fingernails or my hair would all fall out. Some stupid super power like that.
Eventually, I realized Jennifer had bought a gate, and it will be a year or two at least before she figures out how to climb over it, so I figure that'll have to do. After all, if a barbed wire fence can keep in cattle and eliminate the need for ranch hands, then I am sure a plastic fence can keep in Evie and give me a break or two, right?
Wrong. My daughter is freaky smart and I don't just say that because I'm biased. She's figured out how to unlock our phones, for crying out loud. So, I'm sure it won't be long until she realizes if she sticks her fingers through the small holes in the plastic mesh, she can spring that sucker and crawl on through.
So, I've just came to the conclusion I'll have to suck it up and be a dad.
Which I was going to do, anyway.
