How to eat a sandwich, by Evelyn Williams
Today I get to share with you my sandwich eating process, something I hope you'll find educational and entertaining as we enjoy another moment to laugh at our frustrated parents.
First, have your daddy or mommy make you a peanut butter sandwich. It may also be a ham sandwich, bologna (also called "baloney), turkey, or even honey. The type of sandwich your parent brings you is really irrelevant to this, as the title is how to eat a sandwich, not how to eat a specific sandwich.
The parental unit who brings you the meal may also add a side of fruits - my personal favorite being of the banana variety - or chips, crackers, or even vegetables. Sometimes I get vegetables. Those days are harder than most.
But I digress.
Take the sandwich apart. I know, you're destroying their hard work, but believe me when I tell you there is a method to my madness. Take that bread apart!
Choose the piece of bread with the least amount of other stuff stuck to it. If your parents put mayonnaise, for instance, on your ham sandwich, just leave the meat on the other slice of bread and enjoy the mayo and bread. Take the piece that has the least amount of peanut butter stuck to it. The piece that only has ketchup. "But I like peanut butter," you say? That's okay, this is part of the process.
Eat one slice of the bread slowly, so they notice what you're doing. It may be difficult to stomach at first, but again, slowly. You're not trying to set a world record for eating disgusting food fast or anything.
Once daddy (or mommy) has seen how you are eating your food, they may try to correct what you're doing by pushing what's left of the first slice of bread back together with the original piece.
As soon as their back is turned, take the entire sandwich and try to stuff it in your mouth as fast as possible. When this obviously fails, take whatever is left and smear it all over the front of your shirt, your face, your hair, and anything else you can think of.
Two results are possible:
Daddy: Sees your shirt, exclaims "Oh no!" and rushes upstairs to get you a clean shirt. If you have done your job properly, you'll get a free Happy Meal and won't have to go through this process again for a few days.
Mommy: You get a bath and an early nap time.
I highly recommend waiting until it is just you and your daddy to try this.
