This is not easy. Blogging, writing continually, that's not easy as it is, but then you add in how you spill out your personal life for the world to read, it gets even more difficult. Even though the intention of this blog was always more for me, more for my family and my kids, I know some people who may not fall into that category still enjoy reading it. So I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for bearing with me through times when I may write things that any other writer wouldn't waste effort on. Thank you for reading my attempts at being funny and sometimes - even though I only see it in my mind - laughing out loud at my mishaps and mumbled mistakes. Some of you have read this and laughed at the funny stuff, and cried along with us in the moments that we've also cried.
This isn't easy.
Some people may think I'm pretty good at writing out my thoughts, like I'm some kind of "word-smith" and I can hammer out a great, witty, original story that all can enjoy. Those people think too highly of me, but I love them for it.
Others may know better. That I often just say what I'm thinking and let the cards fall where they may. That's the fact about me. You may like me or hate me, but I am who I am and 99% of the time you don't have to worry about what I'm thinking because I've already said it. The 1% of the time I'm probably asleep.
That's just me.
So here we go. I don't even know if I'm going to publish this. Jen has asked me not to do it today. I may just save it for a while and publish it later. I don't know.
Today we found out that we are no longer pregnant. We lost Evie's little brother or sister.
Its been difficult. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. At first I felt numb, then I felt so sad, then rage. Then, I cried when I talked to my dad, when I talked to my grandma, and when I talked to my mother-in-law. I had a hard time not crying when I told my boss I'm taking Saturday off.
I rarely cry about anything. Seriously, even during Old Yeller. I mean, that dog needed to be put down, he had rabies!
But today I cried.
That's not me trying to macho or over dramatic. That's just the truth. When my grandma Williams called and told me she'd gone through something similar - something I didn't know, by the way - the only thing I could think was "How did my grandpa react?" So I asked.
"It bothered him, Jeffrey," my grandma said. That's about as much as you could expect her to say, or for him to have expressed. Grandpa wasn't really someone to show his emotions so easily. And, in a way, it helped me feel better. You know, for the same reasons when you see Superman crying, there's almost a sense of peace that comes with it.
If our heroes are capable of feeling pain, maybe we can feel it, too.
I know God has reasons for things like this. I know it. We can make it through it, because Christ will give us strength. I don't just believe this, I live this. It isn't easy, nothing ever is.
That doesn't mean its impossible.
